I want you.

I want to chase you, I want to hold you by the hand and let you know with a kiss, how much I want you to be by my side. I want to feel my heart racing, pounding vociferously under my cage of my chest; and the rushing force of crimson, dilating my arteries, heating up my skin as if a sun thrives inside me. I want it so badly I dream of you all day and night, lying beside me, filling the empty space on my bed. Filling the room with the smell of your hair, the scent of your perfume. Feeling your skin brush with mine; tasting your kiss, wet as the rain. Gently feeling you from the inside, like walking back and forth through an unexplored territory in the vast wilderness. Listening to you whisper in my ears words that drive me crazy. Nose to nose, chest to chest, our bodies tighly locked, intertwined, fluid, eternally moving, meandering like rivers and streams through valleys and mountains. Charting the bright constellations in the evening sky with our hands held together, us sharing each other’s warmth in the cold of the night.

But that’s all there is to it. A distraction. Diversion. A beautiful release of temptations, of frustrations – and as lyrically portrayed in a song, of memories seeping from the veins. The body longs for things the heart does not. The mind thinks of things the heart can not. The eyes are not blind; they’re simply struggling to make sense of a space and place in time that is simply too dark. You think you’re traveling on a straight path but deep within you a soul knows that you’re just going around in circles. It has not yet come to a point where desire has become impossible to calculate or to a point where madness could directly translate into love.

I only want you.

I want only you.

I jumble them up and this nonchalant, cold, cold heart begins to tremble.

Sunless as the moon

Another day marked the end of its life with a swansong of bright afternoon colours painted across the sky, through the flocculent clouds and even a few miles beneath on the still, grey waters of the nearby sea. What seemed like an eternally sun-lit sky a while ago had eventually turned into a perennial blanket of mystery. The brand new sky that I saw from my window, sparsely adorned with the faint traces of stars from light-years away, felt empty and denseless as the moon – usually seen glowing from an appreciable distance and magnitude – was nowhere to be found.

On the ground, the world lit up itself with countless light bulbs of countless shapes and sizes, independently surviving under a dark abyss extending outwardly and endlessly throughout space. Under these artificial lights I carried on with my activities: my homework, my online networking, my random day – or shall I say, sunless – dreaming; as if the dark evening sky simply became an accessory of time, a causative effect of the Earth’s rotation on its axis, not to mention a natural inducement for a human being like me to rest and fall asleep shortly afterwards.

But no, it doesn’t simply work that way. The evenings are never that simple. With darkness uncertainty looms just about everywhere – will there be another tomorrow? Will I make it through the night? What lies ahead this evening, what lies beneath the dark corners of my room? Where is the Sun, where is the warmness that I need to make me feel that I’m not alone?  The dark cold nights, they are the moments in my life when I feel most isolated and afraid. The nocturnal seas that surround me become a reflection – or rather, a realization – of my lonely thoughts; the empty walls, the hollow beatings of my heart; the ghastly remnants of my past, lurking behind my eyes, swimming inside my mind, continuously stabbing me,  reluctant to go away, unwilling to hide beneath the depths of my existence.

I stare at the yellow light before me, waiting for the next day to come, hoping for either love or happiness – or both – to finally come my way.